I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
