she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
