i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
