haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I pour the whiskey from now on
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
