i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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