I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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