I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
