She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
