he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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