TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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