Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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