don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Randomize
