in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
