I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My liver just had a heart attack.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
