Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Randomize
