Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
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