i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
