Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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