Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize