So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
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Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
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Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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