i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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