I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
