how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Someone came in the potted fern
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
