The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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