did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Randomize
