Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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