I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
