Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
