So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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