So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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