she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
