ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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