She went from zero to smokin in five shots
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
