OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I wish life had little blips of pornography
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
