I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Four minutes until I can fart!
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That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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