this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
