dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
