Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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