so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Congratulations! We have a period
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