Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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