I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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