I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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