I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Randomize