the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I wannas sexs uuuuu
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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