we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
