i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
