So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
