sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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