Umm I'm too high to move.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
