you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I party with great urgency now.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
