I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
