mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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