listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
