U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
a search helicopter?!
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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