You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
