onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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