My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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