I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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