my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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