Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
that may or may not have been my penis.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
