I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
