I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
