The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
