Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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